What do New Yorkers eat during crisis situations? A fascinating question.
While I was hoping to avoid supermarkets due to the hordes of New Yorkers snatching up every last item like the apocalypse is at hand, my Saturday night Hurricane Irene Survival Fiesta unfortunately necessitated a trip to not one but two local groceries. Here’s what I learned:
Water was in abundant supply, which surprised me, as everyone I know seems to have picked up a few gallons of spring water. In fact, I’d be willing to bet that at least 40% of Maine’s Poland Spring reservoir is now located in apartment closets throughout New York. Milk supplies were about half depleted:
However, if there’s one thing New Yorkers love during Category 2 hurricanes, it’s bread. Literally, every single bag of bread, from white to wheat to 7-grain to raisin cinnamon swirl, had vanished, with nary a hot dog bun to be found. A lone can of Pringles listed by like a tumbleweed in the wind.
Even the fresh baked bread was completely gone. However, if there’s one thing New Yorkers do NOT like during hurricanes, it’s those pastry things in the upper right hand corner. Even at $1.39, no crisis is apparently bad enough to stomach these:
The second most depleted item was chips and dip. Nothing beats watching CNN’s Roland Emmerich-approved 3D depictions of water converging on the city while munching on Tostitos Lime-Flavored Scoops:
However, even in emergencies, New Yorkers will avoid Chester’s Butter-Flavored Puffcorn, even at the reasonable price of $2 a bag.
Of course, one of the American Red Cross’ most recommended additions to hurricane survival food reserves is Chobani Greek Yogurt:
Sadly, most New Yorkers missed the rush, and had to settle for second-tier brand La Yogurt:
While Russett potatoes were in reasonable stock, my grocery store had not anticipated New Yorkers’ love for Red Potatoes, with just two sorry spuds left. Sadly, New Yorkers also love avocados during hurricanes, which might put a dent in my 7-layer dip.
You know those Buitoni 10-minute ravioli meals? The kind that, no matter if you get 4-cheese, or chicken and prosciutto, or meat and Parmesan, all taste exactly the same? Gone!
When it comes to hurricane survival sweets, Chips Ahoy cookies were the runaway hit, with Oreos a close second. Triscuits were a reasonably popular healthy alternative, while Teddy Grahams were still readily available.
Plenty of Oscar Meyer bacon. Not so much Applegate All-Natural Organic Whole Thigh Meat Turkey Bacon.
Frozen pizza was flying off the shelves, with DiGiorno being the moneymaker (I was always a Mama Celeste guy myself):
Finally, there seems to have been a bizarre run on soy-based ice creams (note the Haagen-Dazs by comparison). However, as much as we all love to wolf down a pint as Irene’s eye finally passes over, the Coconut Bliss Gluten-Free option was flat out rejected by New York.
Beer was in reasonable supply:
Red Gatorade was a different story (New Yorkers despise blue and green):
I had to take a trip to the pharmacy to pick up additional corn chips, and had a look around. If the power goes out, New Yorkers always prefer to light the way with the scented delight of Colonial Candles:
Hurricane Irene has also made New Yorkers come to the realization that they are long overdue in buying contact solution:
Any splinters and paper cuts acquired during Hurricane Irene will have no chance of becoming infected after this run on rubbing alcohol.
Finally, for hurricane recreation, the only condom shortage was on 3-packs of “Magnum” and “Ribbed For Her Pleasure” options. Brooklyn women seem to be well taken care of for the storm.
More non-sensational Irene coverage coming soon.