A Rare Time Machine Sighting In The Bronx

In my 7+ years of scouting in New York City, I’ve only seen a handful of time machines.

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They’re just about the rarest thing you can stumble on, and on those few occasions when you think you seen one out of the corner of your eye, you’ll turn – and find only empty air. But something special happened the other day up on Arthur Ave in the Belmont section of the Bronx. Not only did I spot a time machine…

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I was actually able to photograph it.

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Now, I know what you’re thinking: this probably isn’t what you picture when you think of a time machine. In fact, it sort of seems like just a crappy car with a bunch of random shit stuck on.

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But if you are thinking this, it is because you do not understand the standard mechanics of modern time travel. Let me run you through the basics.

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The dead give away that this is a time machine is the inordinate number of antennas mounted across the car. This thing is covered in antennas:

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The most important one is the Time Displacement antenna, extending an eye-pokingly dangerous four feet or so off the front.

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Additional antennas branch out from the Flux Capacitor unit, mounted on top of the car:

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Time travel creates a tremendous amount of external heat around the vehicle, hence the cooling fans screwed into the bumper:

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Important time travel-related equations are written on the exterior for easy recall:

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Even the important ones can slip your mind:

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Have you ever wondered what would happen if you were in a car traveling at the speed of light, and you turned on the headlights? These devices mounted over the standard car lights make the problem redundant by sending the light stream seconds into the future ahead of the vehicle:

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Many time travel vehicles lack a spoiler, which is a gross oversight. Without the necessary lift/drag correction, spoilerless time machines have been known to rematerialize entire centuries off course:

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Gold-plated mud flaps not only keep unwanted debris off your chassis, they also assist in maintaining the molecular stability of the vehicle:

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I wish I could have taken more pictures, but it was right then that I noticed the owner coming down the street, and I quickly hurried off. Mess with a time traveler, and next thing you know, you were never born.

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And you especially do not want to mess with the time traveler known as the High Plains Drifter.

-SCOUT

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19 comments

  1. A better question is where in NYC can you get that thing up to 88 miles an hour? This is why all time travelers should buy a Tardis for urban time travel.

    • The problem with that is you have to first find The Doctor…and he usualy hangs out in the London area.

      Doc Brown solved the urban timetravel problem by simply adding flight capacity to the car, unfortunately this car has too little ground clearance to allow for the wheel folding when the thrusters engage.

  2. I can only assume that the drive is completely insane. I love the sloppy spray paint work.

  3. (and by “drive” I meant “driver”)

  4. My eyes hurt now.

  5. HOCHI-MAMA!

    What a mistake.

    Then again, it is the perfect anti-theft device.
    Who the Hell would want to steal it?!?

  6. Love the faded orange carpet that was screwd into the bumper & door sills. lol

  7. How does this thing pass a NYS Inspection???

  8. So, which side of the time/space continuum are you on?

  9. kidcharlemagne

    I wish you had a pic of the interior to share. I want to see the controls!

    this post seem more appropriate for the vehicle posts on peopleofwalmart.com

  10. People of Walmart? No.

    This is High Art.

    And yes, I’d like to see the interior.

  11. And, I would expect – no, demand – that the interior be covered with deep-pile lime green shag.

  12. Is/was that a Del Sol? With “Mercedes Benz” graphic-ed across the windshield, of course.

  13. The Bronx is weird. I remember seeing one of those boat/cars (Amphicar) when I was a kid, among other odd cars I saw through the years. The Bronx seemed to lend itself to that. It is an interesting borough.

  14. So good. keep it up. maybe i’ll see this time machine when i go around little italy.

  15. Forget about NYC, take that thing out to the salt flats and your still not getting it to 88mph. Throw it off a cliff and maybe.

  16. Woah….that poor Del Sol! Oh well, if the owner digs it and it’s not hurting anyone………

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